


The Asshole Of My Dreams

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Meeting, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Barisi - Freeform, M/M, but no actual smut sorry, implied sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 06:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12977988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: Sonny doesn’t remember the first time they met. Not vividly anyway; he was only three. But he remembers Rafael’s face, much younger, but undeniably him.





	The Asshole Of My Dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [snakeling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snakeling/gifts).



> Prompt: Barba and Carisi meet a lot earlier than in canon.
> 
> Hello darling! I hope you like what I did with your prompt! :)
> 
> Huge thanks for the mods at the Barisi fic archive for setting this up, and an extra huge thanks to tobeconspicuous for being my beta, AND for coming up with the excellent title! :)

Sonny doesn’t remember the first time they met. Not vividly anyway; he was only three. But he remembers Rafael’s face, much younger, but undeniably him.

 

Sonny doesn’t quite remember where they were or how it happened, but he does remember Rafael wrapping his arms around him protectively, every stone that the boys threw hitting Rafael’s back while Sonny sobbed into his chest.

 

He could never forget that face of kindness amongst a sea of hatred that, at the time, he didn’t understand.

 

The rest he knew from what his family had relayed to him later in life.

 

His mother had told him he’d slipped away from her unnoticed and had tried to play with the local boys, but they’d seen him as an easy target -- small, excited, and different from them. She’d said that the boys started pushing him around, and when she’d come running to find him, Rafael had been holding him, dabbing his bloodied knees with tissues while telling him stories to make him laugh through his tears.

 

Gina had told him Rafael had kissed his head and ruffled his hair. She’d also said he was  _ gorgeous _ , which, for a long time, Sonny was too young to understand as well.

 

In Theresa’s more dramatic versions, Rafael had saved his life. That was the version Sonny held on to. He watched movies with his sisters and imagined Rafael as his Prince Charming, rescuing him from danger.

 

* * *

 

The second time they met, Sonny remembers far more vividly.

 

He was ten years old and he was on a school trip to Boston. He still, for the life of him, couldn’t remember why they were there, but he remembers Rafael.

 

He was stuck in a group of predominantly kids like Bobby Bianchi, who all hated him, and in a rare moment of defiance, he slipped away from the group and decided to wander around on his own.

 

What he hadn’t anticipated was getting lost. He was usually great with directions and could remember all the steps taken to get to and from somewhere. But Boston was new, and unfamiliar, and he realised all too late that he couldn’t remember how many times he’d turned left or right and in what order.

 

And that’s when Sonny saw him, his Prince Charming, his knight in shining armour, the boy he was almost sure he’d imagined completely. Sonny saw him storming out of a coffee shop, throwing his apron behind him along with a few four letter words, and stomped down the street towards Sonny.

 

Without really thinking it through, he fell into step behind Rafael, following cautiously. He was almost certain Rafael was upset, and he wanted to help, but all he had was the zeppole his ma had packed for him and some money for lunch.

 

When Rafael sat down in the park by the water, Sonny sat next to him, pulling the zeppole from his backpack. Rafael was halfway to lighting a cigarette when he noticed Sonny.

 

“Of all the benches...” he muttered to himself with a roll of his eyes -- eyes Sonny now realised were wet and red around the edges.

 

“You want one?” Sonny asked eagerly, all but shoving the bag in Rafael’s face

 

Rafael eyed him suspiciously before pushing himself up and moving to the next bench over, lighting his cigarette.

 

Undeterred, Sonny followed, plonking himself down next to Rafael again.

 

“Seriously?” Rafael muttered, puffing out a breath of smoke.

 

“Ma says food is the way to a man’s heart,” Sonny said with a small laugh, digging a zeppole out for himself before placing the bag between them on the bench.

 

Rafael choked on his next inhale of smoke, coughing roughly before turning to look at Sonny incredulously.

 

“Didn’t your  _ ma  _ teach you not to talk to strangers?”

 

“Sure! But you’re not a stranger,” Sonny said with a shrug, tapping his foot against the cement as nerves bubbled up inside him. Rafael clearly didn’t remember him.

 

“Right,” Rafael said with narrowed eyes.

 

“You seem sad. It’s all I’ve got to offer.”

 

Rafael looked at Sonny for what felt like an eternity. He felt like he was being studied, and his face grew hot under the scrutiny of the man he’d dreamed of so often. Gina was right, he  _ was _ gorgeous. But he was also fairly sure Rafael didn’t remember him at all. He supposed he’d changed a lot in the past seven years.

 

Eventually, Rafael peered into the paper bag, eyeing the remaining zeppole.

 

“You’re offering me your last donut?”

 

“Zeppole,” Sonny corrected with a shy smile.

 

“Zeppole,” Rafael amended with a small smile, reaching into the bag to take it out. “Thanks.”

 

“What upset you at the cafe?” Sonny asked as Rafael took a bite, discarding his cigarette.

 

“You saw that?” Rafael asked, almost choking on the bite he’d just swallowed. “ _ Dios mio _ , should I be concerned that a child is stalking me?”

 

“I’m not a child,” Sonny said, his face growing hot again as he turned away from Rafael.

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Ten.” He pouted.

 

“Child,” Rafael countered, but when Sonny looked at him he was smiling warmly -- a warmth that spread right to Sonny’s heart. “Where are your parents?”

 

“Home.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes, licking the remaining sugar off his fingertips. “Where’s home?”

 

“Staten Island.”

 

“You- what?” Rafael’s eyes went comically wide.

 

“Staten Island,” Sonny repeated, kicking a stone on the ground and watching as it skidded over the edge into the water.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t come to Boston on your own.”

 

Sonny frowned, looking at Rafael, who now looked unhappy again, though Sonny couldn’t work out why.

 

“Of course not. I’m here with my class.”

 

Rafael breathed out heavily, and Sonny realised he’d been concerned. The thought made him smile.

 

“Where’s your class now?” Sonny shrugged. “How did you get here?”

 

“I followed you.”

 

“Right,” Rafael said with a sigh. “Well, come on. I’ll take you to a police station.”

 

“No!” Sonny said quickly, head snapping up to look at Rafael again. “I don’t wanna be in trouble.”

 

“You won’t be in trouble,” Rafael said gently. “They’ll help you find your class.”

 

“Don’t wanna,” Sonny mumbled, looking back down at his feet.

 

“Why not?”

 

Sonny shrugged, kicking another stone towards the water as he gripped the seat beneath him.

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Sonny.”

 

“Well, Sonny, I’m Rafael,” he said, extending his hand towards Sonny.

 

Sonny nearly said he knew. He nearly said Rafael had saved his life once, before he realised that was the over dramatic version Theresa told. He nearly said he’d committed Rafael’s name to memory when everything else from that day was a blur of half remembered, half re-told events.

 

Instead, he simply said, “Nice to meet you Rafael,” and shook his hand.

 

“How about we get you back to your school group then?”

 

“Let’s go see a movie!” Sonny suggested excitedly, jumping up from the bench to stand in front of Rafael.

 

“And I suppose you expect me to pay?” Rafael asked, raising an eyebrow though his expression was amused.

 

“I have money!”

 

Sonny shoved his hand into the front pocket of his backpack, pulling the $5 note his ma had given him for lunch.

 

“That’ll go far,” Rafael deadpanned, rolling his eyes.

 

Sonny blushed, ducking his head, ratty note clutched in his fist. All he wanted was for Rafael to like him. Instead, he was making an idiot of himself, like always.

 

“Why don’t you want to go back to your group?” Rafael asked softly, leaning in towards Sonny.

 

“School’s dumb,” he muttered to the ground.

 

“What do you want to do after school?”

 

“Priest,” he said with a shrug. “Like my cousins.”

 

“Yeah?” Rafael asked, sounding surprised. “Good for you. What would God say about you skipping school.”

 

“He’d understand,” Sonny said defiantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“I’m sure he would. But I’m not all-seeing, all-knowing like God, so your gonna have to help me to understand.”

 

“Bobby’s always shovin’ me around,” Sonny whispered to the ground.

 

“You ever thought of shoving him back?”

 

“Two wrongs don’t make a right,” Sonny chanted, a rehearsed line he’d heard over and over.

 

“Okay,” Rafael said with a small laugh, placing a hand on Sonny’s shoulder. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, because I’m studying law, I should know better, but sometimes they do.”

 

“He’s massive,” Sonny said, raising his eyes to meet Rafael’s. Instead of the pity or amusement he expected, Rafael’s eyes were just gentle and understanding.

 

“They always are.”

 

“Like you’d know.”

 

“I grew up in the Bronx. I was a scrawny, mouthy kid. I had my ass handed to me nearly every day.”

 

“But you’re so cool!” Sonny said before he’d thought it through, face turning red almost instantly.

 

Rafael laughed and shook his head, standing up, hand still on Sonny’s shoulder as he lead him back through the park. “Kids are stupid. And cruel. Don’t let them win.”

 

“Are you gonna take me to the police station?” Sonny asked quietly, face still burning.

 

“Nah. Let’s go get something to eat, then we can figure out where your class might be.”

 

* * *

 

The third time they met, Sonny could barely believe his eyes.

 

He had just graduated from the Academy and was out drinking with a bunch of his new friends when he spotted him sitting alone in a booth, surrounded by papers, tie loose and hair ruffled.

 

But even in the dim light of the bar Sonny knew it was him. Even though he’d aged in the 11 years since he’d last seen him, there was no way he could mistake that face.

 

He’d dreamt about that kind, gentle face and those shining green eyes what felt like his whole life. That day in Boston all those years ago almost felt like a dream itself, as time went on. But Sonny had never forgot.

 

“How can you work with all this noise?” Sonny asked with a gesture around them.

 

He hadn’t even realised he was walking over until he was stood in front of Rafael. He was definitely tipsy, bordering on drunk. This was a bad idea.

 

The way Rafael glared up at him confirmed this was definitely a bad idea. Still, Sonny shot him a bright smile and gestured towards his empty glass.

 

“Can I get you another?”

 

“Are you even old enough to be drinking?”

 

Sonny scoffed before taking a defiant sip of his beer. “‘Course. I’m 21.”

 

He flashed his brand new shiny police badge, then, and relished in how proud the simple action made him feel.

 

Rafael relaxed a little at that, resting back into his chair to look at Sonny properly.

 

“I’m working.”

 

“It’s, like, past 10pm. You’ve been working long enough.”

 

“You’ve been watching me?” Rafael asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Sonny felt his stomach swoop at the familiar look, his face growing warm in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol.

 

“Might’ve been,” he mumbled against the lip of the beer bottle.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Rafael said with a smirk that suggested he definitely did.

 

“Shove it,” Sonny scoffed, glancing back at his group of friends who were now doing rounds of shots.

 

“Don’t let me keep you.”

 

“I’d rather be here,” he said too quickly, ducking his head to hide his embarrassment.

 

“Well then, have a seat, Officer…”

 

Sonny couldn’t hold back the sigh that burst forth at the fact that, once again, Rafael didn’t recognise him. Though really, he wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t a kid anymore. He’d shot up in his teens and his hair wasn’t an unruly mop of curls anymore -- at least, not when he left the house. He barely resembled the awkward ten year old Rafael had previously met, and he couldn’t even remember himself at three years of age, let alone expect Rafael to remember him.

 

“Carisi,” he said gently, sitting down next to Rafael instead of opposite him. “Dominick Carisi. Call me Sonny.”

 

“Dominick,” Rafael tested, a teasing glint in his eye as he extended his hand. “Rafael Barba.”

 

“Nice to meet you Rafael.”

 

“Mmm, we’ll see.”

 

Sonny didn’t know why he didn’t tell Rafael that they’d met before. He figured it would probably sound weird to say, “Hey, we met twice before and you’re literally the man of my dreams,” but he figured there also had to be a better way of going about it.

 

Still, he was content to get lost in Rafael’s eyes as he complained about work at the DA’s office, tongue growing looser with each round of scotch he consumed.

 

Sonny had insisted on buying their drinks at first, but eventually Rafael laid a hand on his arm, muttering something about earning more than Sonny, and from there on they took turns ordering rounds.

 

“So why’d you become a cop?”

 

“Well, I was gonna be a priest.”

 

Rafael snorted into his drink before his eyes widened, realising Sonny wasn’t joking.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah,” he said with a small shrug.

 

“What changed your mind?”

 

“I’m gay.”

 

And really, he should stop speaking before thinking about what he was going to say. He wasn’t even out to his family. He was barely out to his friends. He knew cops generally got given a hard time for being gay, especially in Staten Island, so he really didn’t need that information out there.

 

Some of his panic must have shown on his face, because Rafael gently placed his hand on Sonny’s arm, leaning in just a little, before saying, “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

 

Sonny wasn’t quite sure what he meant until Rafael pressed a quick kiss to the edge of his lips. Suddenly his expression was shy, earnest, open. All night Rafael had been sharp and witty, quick to put Sonny down for the fun of it, never letting his guard down. Until now.

 

Now, Sonny could feel the electricity between them as Rafael stared him down, requesting permission. 

 

Sonny’s eyes flicked over to where his Academy friends were. Rafael started to move back, hand retreating, when Sonny grabbed hold, gripping his hand under the table where it couldn’t be seen.

 

“Not here,” he said quietly voice scratchy.

 

He felt desire pool in his stomach as he watched Rafael’s eyes darken, and almost fell over in his haste to get up out of the booth to drag Rafael outside.

 

As soon as they were a safe distance from the bar, Rafael shoved him into an alley and up against the wall, lips hungry, hands eager, as he pawed at Sonny’s clothes and licked at his mouth.

 

Sonny kissed back, pawed back, moaned into Rafael’s mouth, unable to believe that the dreams he’d tried to suppress were actually coming true.

 

Rafael palmed him through his pants as his breathing became more and more erratic.

 

“St-stop,” he stuttered out, grabbing at Rafael’s arms to pull his hands away.

 

Rafael looked at him through his lashes, eyes dark and lips pink and full, and Sonny took a deep, shaky breath, half tempted to tell him to keep going.

 

“I don’t… I can’t…”

 

“Dominick, it’s fine,” Rafael said quietly, letting his forehead rest against Sonny’s shoulder as his breathing evened out. “We’ve both had too much to drink.”

 

“I just… let me take you to dinner,” Sonny blurted out, cringing as soon as he said it. He was still painfully hard and he was asking the man he’d been in love with for as long as he could remember out on a date.

 

Rafael laughed gently, shaking his head as he stood upright again.

 

“You’re a sweet kid, Dominick. But I don’t do that.”

 

Sonny nodded stiffly, heart dropping to his stomach as a chill ran down his spine.

 

“I’m… sorry,” Rafael offered weakly, running a hand through his hair as he took a step back.

 

“No. Don’t be. This was, erm…”

 

“Fun?” Rafael asked dryly, eyebrow raised.

 

“An experience,” Sonny said with a laugh.

 

Rafael gave a small nod, expression tight as he backed out of the alley and left Sonny standing there, still half heard despite the ice now running through his veins.

 

His one chance with his  _ Prince Charming,  _ and he’d gone and ruined it by wanting a date rather than a hand job in an alleyway.

 

_ Not so Prince Charming after all,  _ he thought to himself.

 

Still, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t at least partially regret making Rafael stop.

 

* * *

The next time they met, Sonny froze completely. Third day at Manhattan SVU, and in strolls Rafael -- looking gorgeous as ever -- like he owned the place.

 

He watched as his Lieutenant greeted Rafael with familiarity, and he felt a sense of longing he hadn’t felt in years. This would be the fourth time they had met, and Sonny still wasn’t remotely familiar with the man of his dreams.

 

When Rafael glanced over at them all standing around the table, Sonny offered him a small smile and a wave, but there was just a flicker of confusion on Rafael’s face before he looked away again, and Sonny felt his heart sink.

 

Eventually they came over to discuss where they were at with the case, and Sonny couldn’t take his eyes of Rafael, despite the Lieutenant being Rafael's soul focus. He couldn’t believe they were here again, in the same room, and Rafael didn’t seem to recognise him.

 

Sonny wasn’t sure if Rafael was pretending not to remember him after their awkward, though definitely hot, last encounter, or if he was just that forgettable that Rafael literally didn’t remember a man he spoke to for hours before making out with in an alleyway.

 

He could feel Rafael’s eyes on him as he left, and he desperately hoped he remembered, because Sonny could never forget.

 

* * *

 

Sonny had spent the days after his encounter with Rafael overthinking everything. He went through waves of being sure Rafael had to have recognised him, and feeling small because Rafael  _ definitely _ hadn’t recognised him.

 

Eventually, with some papers in his hand from his Lieutenant as a happy excuse, he made his way over to One Hogan place.

 

“Hey, Detective Carisi to see Barba? Just gotta drop some papers off,” he said as he entered, flashing the woman at the desk a grin.

 

“Thanks, Detective,” she said with a smile, holding out her hand to take the files.

 

“Er...actually, I was hoping I could drop them off myself? Kinda need to have a chat about something.”

 

She raised her eyebrow at that, but nodded, making her way over to his door to knock lightly before entering.

 

“Mr Barba, there’s a Detective Carisi here to see you.”

 

He heard Rafael sigh on the other side of the door, and his stomach twisted with nerves. If Rafael didn’t want to see him, that didn’t bode well, whether he remembered him or not. However, his assistant was holding the door open for him, so he walked through before he could change his mind.

 

“Detective, what can I do for you?”

 

“Brought you these,” Sonny said awkwardly, holding the manilla folder up by way of explanation.

 

Rafael raised an eyebrow, holding his hand out. “You could have left those with Carmen.”

 

_ Carmen _ . He committed her name to memory.

 

“Er, well, actually…” Sonny paused, wishing he’d planned what to say before he got here. 

 

Rafael twirled his hand impatiently, so Sonny handed him the folder, clearing his throat.

 

“I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner with me?” He asked in a rush, ears growing hot.

 

Rafael’s eyebrows shot up before he huffed out a laugh, dropping the folder to his desk as he leant back in his chair.

 

“You met me three days ago,” he said dryly, though Sonny was sure he caught a hint of amusement. However, it was also confirmation Rafael didn’t remember him.

 

He was tempted to remind him of that night in the bar seven years ago, but he figured the memory was probably awkward for both of them. He was tempted to bring up that day in Boston, but he figured that would make for an awkward follow-up conversation.

 

“So, I wanna get to know you better,” he said instead, flashing Rafael a grin.

 

Rafael snorted, an amused smirk lifting his lips just slightly. “No, thank you.”

 

Sonny felt his heart drop. It must have shown on his face, because Rafael’s expression softened a little, something bordering on pity, which definitely made it worse.

 

“Sure. Okay. Sure,” Sonny stuttered, literally backing towards the door. “Sorry to have bothered you.”

 

He left before Rafael could say anything else.

 

* * *

Sonny felt out of his depth. He always felt out of his depth these days. He’d been so confident in Homicide, and since joining SVU he’d been shoved from borough to borough like he meant nothing.

 

He sighed heavily, draining the rest of his beer before signalling the bartender for another.

 

He’d been with Manhattan SVU for just over a month, and he felt almost certain he wouldn’t last much longer. He tried to be confident. He’d tried to take every piece of criticism on board to be better. He’d even shaved his damn mustache to try and look softer, look more like an SVU detective and less like a Homicide detective.

 

He was sure he was getting the boot.

 

“Misery doesn’t suit you,” a familiar voice came from behind him, sliding into the seat next to him.

 

“Counsellor,” he responded with a slight nod of his head, barely tearing his eyes away from the muted sport on the TV behind the bar.

 

“You were right, you know,” Rafael said quietly once he had his scotch in hand.

 

“About?”

 

“Statute of limitations. Your anger doesn’t change anything, but you were right. It’s ridiculous.”

 

“I know,” Sonny huffed.

 

“Of course you do.” Sonny was sure he could hear Rafael smirking.

 

“You didn’t have to be an ass about it,” Sonny said after a moment. He was shocked to hear Rafael laugh in response. Shocked enough to actually turn and face him, finally.

 

“You look better without the mustache,” Rafael said quietly, eyes glinting over his glass.

 

“Rollins disagrees.”

 

“Rollins and I disagree on most things.”

 

“That so?”

 

Rafael raised an amused eyebrow, and Sonny felt himself relax a little.

 

“Why’re you here, Counsellor?”

 

“Misery loves company?”

 

Sonny couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. He could definitely tell he was drunk, though, now he took a proper look.

 

Rafael sighed, putting his glass down to lean into Sonny, just slightly.

 

“Being the new guy is never easy. But Liv’s a good Lieutenant, a good boss, a good mentor, and an amazing human being. Trust her. Trust her instincts. Trust her judgement. You’ll learn a lot.”

 

Sonny sighed, playing with the label of his bottle so he didn’t have to look at Rafael.

 

“Sure. But I’ve been the new guy in four separate boroughs. Just one more to go, I guess.”

 

“Self deprecation doesn’t suit you either, Detective.”

 

“Yeah, well…” Sonny trailed off with a shrug.

 

“Liv won’t get rid of you. She believes in people.”

 

Sonny turned to face Rafael again, biting his lip a little at the soft look on his face.

 

“You mean she needs me, ‘cause they’re short staffed?”

 

“That too,” Rafael said, that damning smirk back in place as he reached to pick his drink up.

 

Sonny leaned in a little, hand on Rafael’s knee, head dizzy from the five beer’s he’d had on an empty stomach. As soon as he realised what he was doing, he moved to apologise, but Rafael met him half way instead, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

 

“Much better without the mustache.”

 

Sonny grinned. He couldn’t help himself. He grinned, then pressed another kiss to Rafael’s lips before remembering where they were.

 

He looked around nervously, fingers twisting in the end of his own tie before Rafael placed a hand over his own, stopping the action.

 

“How about we skip dinner?”

 

“I thought you said no to dinner.”

 

“Precisely.”

 

Rafael’s eyes were shining, dark with lust, and Sonny couldn’t deny him this time. He’d spent seven years regretting turning him away, and he was being offered the chance to rectify that.

 

“Where to?” He asked, voice slightly husky.

* * *

 

The sweat hadn’t even begun to cool on their bodies before Sonny lazily said, “I’ve been wanting to do that for seven years.”

 

“What?” Rafael asked, rolling over to face Sonny.

 

Then what he said hit him, and he froze completely, gripping the sheet that was halfway up his body in a vice grip.

 

“Carisi?”

 

Sonny didn’t respond. Couldn’t respond.

 

“Did you just--“

 

“Don’t,” Sonny said sharply, taking a deep breath in.

 

“What do you mean, seven--“

 

“I said don’t.”

 

All the bliss Sonny was supposed to feel was overshadowed by the anxiety crawling through his body. Sex was supposed to feel good, and he’d gone and ruined it with one stupid comment.

 

Rafael ran a finger up Sonny’s tense arm with a feather-light touch, and he felt goosebumps spring as his body shuddered involuntarily.

 

“Carisi.”

 

“How could you not remember?” Sonny whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

“Remember what?”

 

“All of it,” he half shouted, causing Rafael to flinch. “Dominick ‘Sonny’ Carisi, Jr. How could you not remember?”

 

Rafael froze, too, before placing his hand over Sonny’s chest lightly, fingers splayed.

 

“The rookie cop I almost slept with?” Rafael whispered, breath ghosting across Sonny’s shoulder.

 

Sonny huffed out a laugh, neither confirming nor denying.

 

“Dominick, look at me.” Sonny took a deep breath before opening his eyes, rolling his head to the side to meet Rafael’s eyes. “The mustache threw me. I knew there was a reason I was drawn to you.”

 

“Don’t,” Sonny whispered, but Rafael just shook his head.

 

“I always regretted not accepting your offer of dinner.”

 

“Don’t,” Sonny repeated like a broken record, closing his eyes.

 

Rafael pressed a gentle kiss to each of his eyelids, fingers ghosting up and down his arm again.

 

“Everything about you is familiar,” Rafael whispered. “If I were more romantically inclined, I’d consider the word ‘destiny’.” Sonny’s eyes snapped open at that as hope bloomed in his chest. Rafael smirked before adding, “I don’t believe in destiny.”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes, but he felt a small smile forming on his face.

 

“Boston, 1996.”

 

Rafael’s smirk slipped. “What?”

 

“You got fired from some cafe. You smoked then. Do you still smoke?” Sonny didn’t know where the confidence had come from, but he was practically beaming now.

 

“I quit that year…” he trailed off, propping himself up on one elbow, expression serious. “How did you--“

 

“What, you don’t remember little Sonny from Staten Island, ditching his field trip?”

 

“Oh my God,” Rafael muttered, eyes going wide as he laughed. “Jesus, really? Of course I remember.”

 

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Sonny said softly.

 

“How could I forget the annoying kid with the homemade zeppole? No, you…” Rafael paused, dropping back beside Sonny to roll onto his back. “You made me smile for the first time in  _ months _ ,” he added quietly.

 

Sonny felt his chest tighten for a moment. He wanted to turn, to look at Rafael properly, fully. He wanted to kiss him, on his lips, on his chest, on his forehead. He remembered Rafael being upset, but he’d thought it was just about losing his job.

 

“Glad I could help,” he said quietly. “Payback for when you saved my life.”

 

“What?” Rafael asked with a laugh, turning his head towards Sonny again.

 

“Not really,” he said with a laugh of his own, linking his fingers with Rafael’s. “That’s just the version I prefer.”

 

“I don’t--“

 

“I was, like, three. I don’t really remember much. But you smiled at me. You shielded me from the rocks the other boys were throwing. You held onto me, tight, and I knew I was safe.”

 

“The little Italian kid trying to play in the Bronx,” Rafael breathed out in wonder, eyes lighting up again. “You had no idea that all you’d done wrong was exist.”

 

“You’d remember better than me.”

 

“I’m surprised you remember at all. You were so small. Your mom was so worried.”

 

Sonny hummed in acknowledgement, eyes slipping shut as contentment washed over him.

 

“You were the man of my dreams,” he whispered.

 

There were a million scenario’s Sonny had gone through in his mind where he finally reminded Rafael of the times they had met, but it never went well. Rafael always felt uncomfortable, got angry, mocked him, sent him away. He’d never imagined Rafael would be happy to simply reminisce with him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered after what felt like an eternity, dragging Sonny from his sleep.

 

“What for?” He slurred, shifting slightly so he was closer to Rafael.

 

“For being the asshole who couldn’t connect the dots.”

 

“The asshole of my dreams,” he mumbled, bringing Rafael’s hand up to hiss his knuckles.

 

“No, but--“

 

“Shh. S’alright. Go to sleep, Rafael.”

 

Just as he was drifting off to sleep, he heard, “Perhaps I do believe in destiny,” whispered against his ear.

 

Sonny fell asleep with a smile on his lips and a fullness in his heart that he’d been longing for his whole life.


End file.
